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What makes you desire sex? Many people never ask themselves

“People aren’t talking about sex at the best of times, and we’re certainly not talking about what it looks like 10 years into a relationship,” says Lauren French, sexologist and head of education with Body Safety Australia.

I ask her why spontaneous desire is promoted so exclusively in our collective understanding.

“The overarching theme you see in conversations around sex, sexuality and relationships is the idea of ease – that if it’s ‘right’, there should be no work involved. There is a huge misconception that if you have to work hard at a relationship or a fulfilling sex life, that’s a negative,” French tells me.

Harry Styles and Florence Pugh epitomised the cinematic version of desire in “Don’t Worry Darling”.

Harry Styles and Florence Pugh epitomised the cinematic version of desire in “Don’t Worry Darling”.Credit:Warner Bros. Entertainment via AP

Owens agrees, and argues that it is all about context: what is the context that creates desire for an individual? He says that, over time, the effort to create that context needs to be more intentional than in the first flush of love.

“‘What do you need in order to want sex?’ A lot of people don’t even know how to answer that question, of what they like or are into. A lot of people have never been asked that,” he says.

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Here, Owens suggests curiosity: breaking down our own sexual scripts that we might have developed – light a candle, kiss a little, touch like this, in this particular position…

“That script might work, but it can get boring, rather than being a creative endeavour with no rigid plan. When we let go of the script, things become an improvisation with more possibilities.”

Another intervention he mentions is the old faithful: scheduling sex. Even though this tactic, according to Owens, creates intentionality and anticipation, people fear that scheduling sex will ‘take the spontaneity out of it’. Which again reveals how well we have been indoctrinated with the idea that we all just have to sit around patiently waiting for desire to happen to us, to strike us, to consume us.

As French told me: “Spontaneous desire falls into the fairytale that we’ve been fed – that we all just get aroused and pleased sexually, without having to talk about it. Without effort. But there are so many environmental and social factors at play when it comes to spontaneous desire – the idea that it should be there in a pandemic, or when we’re facing job and housing security issues, or family loss – all of these things will have an impact on how randomly horny we get.”

And it is, quite literally, a fairy tale. “Movies and shows are all about beginnings – falling in love, starting relationships. You rarely see relationships later on in their arc,” she says. Later on in their arc, when the spontaneous desire so easily produced by that honeymoon phase comes calling far less often. Yet again, our failure to talk honestly, explicitly and pragmatically about sexuality, desire and intimacy is hurting us: because if we never see other experiences of desire represented, we are likely to remain ignorant – and definitely not in the blissful way.

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