What doesn’t kill you makes you … don’t get me started

Most of us do not become stronger after trauma, and this was proven in 2020 by researchers who had access to rather more information than Nietzsche. The researchers, from Brown University, discovered that stressful experiences neither make us stronger nor create resilience; in fact, the opposite is true. Past stressful experiences sensitize us to future traumas, and greatly increase our chances of developing post-traumatic stress disorder or depression.

This is certainly true for me. What didn’t kill me gave me some fascinating stories. (Ask me about my life-threatening birth injury or my scary medical conditions or my traumatic relationship history.) But they have certainly not made me stronger. What didn’t kill me made me feel anxious and mistrustful and sad, and it took a great deal of therapy to get back on track.

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“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” falls into the same category as “Everything happens for a reason”, and puts a huge amount of unnecessary pressure on victims of trauma and adversity. It isn’t enough for them just to survive their terrible experiences; they should be thriving. They should be starting a charity and doing TED talks about gratitude. They should be considering their trauma a blessing in disguise.

This is nonsense. Please don’t believe it. Victims of trauma don’t need to add a sense of failure to what they have already been through. What didn’t kill them can make them feel panicky and depressed and afraid, and this is normal. It can lead to long-term emotional scars, which are as real as any physical impairment. This is why it is called “trauma” and not “fun”.

I am a pretty strong person. But what made me strong was years of therapy, journaling and reflection. And what keeps me strong are my close and nurturing friendships, the love of my family and my supportive partner. I am strong in spite of all of my traumatic experiences, not because of them.

But poor Nietzsche didn’t do quite as well. He suffered from terrible depression and had a complete mental breakdown in his later years. He died with dementia, in the care of his mother, a broken man.

I suspect he didn’t really believe his saying either.

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