The realist’s guide to sex after marriage: Here’s how to Do It

Also, you need to make an effort every so often. Will you have sex after a boiled egg at the kitchen table and a long conversation about the downpipe? No. Will you if you break out the satin bustier, dim the lights, flick on the floating fire and some mellow jazz? Again, no – because that’s sex in a cheap TV drama and never happening. We’re talking about realistic amounts of effort, for example, changing your top and smiling.

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Dress up every so often. Controversial, but should you find yourself at a wedding this summer, both of you in your wedding best looking a bit like you did 20 years ago (him same trousers, you same hat), you may find you fancy each other as much as you did then, notwithstanding the sciatica. Men are infinitely more fanciable in a good suit and women are never as fanciable in sweatpants as they think they are.

Get out there and show off. The biggest aphrodisiacs for a married woman are seeing her other half being the toast of the party and the words, “I will get up early to sort out the puppy/bins.” For men, it’s the words, “I have made trifle.”

Go to bed as soon as you get in from the twinkly date, not after you have sent a couple of emails or checked for slugs in the garden. Get up those stairs. Realists know that we are mainly not having sex because we are never in bed.

And for God’s sake, no reading books.

This article first appeared in the London Telegraph.

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