The full mounty: dogs giving normal canine play a bad name

Some dogs hump other dogs, or cushions, or stuffed toys, or even slow-moving cats. Alfie humps house guests. But only those he takes a shine to. His preferred humpee is an ancient journo mate of ours who tends to get so absorbed in conversations, or books, he doesn’t notice Alf’s ankle action until one of us calls him off. Even then, old Mick just laughs. The last time we dropped Mick at the airport, Alf mounted an 11th-hour assault on his arm as he was exiting the car. Mick hoisted him off and stared into his eyes. “Alfie,” he crooned, “I’ll write to you.”

The prevailing theory used to be that dogs humped to show dominance, or “status” as it’s become known among animal behaviourists. Experts now believe that’s rarely the case, and that most humping, or mounting, is part of normal canine body language during greetings, or play, or general excitement.

Canine play includes various forms of masturbation, which both sexes – including those who’ve been neutered or spayed – practise without inhibition, despite the outrage it induces among some people. (“Lock it up!” snarled an elderly male passer-by when confronted by the sight of our previous dog, Lucky, having his way with a green corduroy cushion on our lawn.)

Alas, as with people, there are dogs who give sex-play a bad name. Often poorly socialised, they don’t understand the subtleties of the game and try to go the full mounty with every dog or ankle they encounter, leading to fights and social alienation. A female poodle we meet on walks embarrasses her owner by locking her front legs around strange men’s knees, then closing her eyes and refusing to budge.

Another of Alfie’s acquaintances is a randy little papillon in a matinée jacket whose motivation in trying to scale and conquer various mountainous mutts still eludes his genteel owner. “For some reason,” she puzzles sweetly, “he just loves to hug big dogs. But they’re all so nasty to him!”

Pet advice websites carry endless tales from people trying to come to terms with excessively humping dogs.

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My favourite, posted last year, is from an American woman: “Our two-year-old mini schnauzer humps my husband every night … We’ve tried distracting him with food or toys, even telling him no very firmly … He just doesn’t listen … Sometimes it seems like he just enjoys humbling my husband.”

Most animal behaviourists agree that unless your pooch becomes an aggressive or compulsive wanker (like the husband-humper), there’s no need to leap into the fray with timely interventions – “toss a toy, play a game, give your dog a chewie” – or seek expert advice. If the mere sight of
a humping dog offends your sensibilities, it might be time to get a bit of counselling yourself.