It’s OK to talk about it: An expert’s guide to discussing death

The role of the doctor

As tempting as it might be, don’t shy away from these conversations. Navigating these discussions is particularly crucial if you have elderly relatives, or anyone with a terminal illness. In fact, your loved one might even be waiting for you to bring the topic of conversation up, Dr Brennan says.

“There’s often a sense among the living that the topic of death is overly morbid and shouldn’t be talked about. But it’s good for a person facing death in the near future to be able to express their feelings, and for them to have the opportunity to share their feelings before it’s too late,” he says.

The treating doctor plays a crucial role in these often-difficult conversations, and has a responsibility to raise the medical reality, and can provide a clear picture of what lies ahead for his patient, he says.

This conversation could also of course occur without a serious illness, he says.

“A trigger may simply be the fact that a parent is ageing and it’s clear that your loved one is facing some non-life-threatening challenges.

What to discuss

These conversations should extend not just to the end-of-life care they would like to receive, but also their wishes documented in their will, and where they would like their final resting place to be. Whether they would like to appoint an enduring guardian or financial attorney is another important conversation to be had, simply so you can ensure their wishes are followed, he says.

“There may come a time when your loved one can no longer communicate their wishes to the doctor, so making sure you understand their wishes is crucial here,” Dr Brennan says.

“Even the songs they want played at their funeral can be an important conversation that helps lighten what will inevitably be a difficult conversation to have,” he says.

Whether the conversation occurs spontaneously, or it’s scheduled ahead of time depends on the family relationships, he says.

“It can be done either way, as long as it’s a conversation had face to face, sitting down quietly together. No doubt it will be really hard,” he says.

Know when to stop

The delicate nature of these conversations may be spread over a few days, he says.

“Often we think we’re having the big conversation, but as you get started, you may feel like you need to leave the conversation and ensure your loved one has some normalcy for a while before continuing on,” he says.

If it’s a conversation you need to have with a parent, you may even want to have your siblings there so you can all have the discussion together.

However, if there’s pushback from the person, let them know it’s a conversation you can come back to when they’re ready.

“It’s not about pushing or insisting someone tell you things before they’re ready. It’s about being there for them and showing that you’re willing and able to talk about difficult things and ensure that their wishes are fulfilled,” he says.

It is healthy to have these conversations, and can be very healing, he says.

Dr Brennan is part of a group that created a website which centres on 11 people who speak about the things that matter to them as they face their own mortality. Their stories show us how to speak about life, death, loss, and grief.

The I Am Living initiative invites all to talk about and plan for the end of life, while there is time.

Joff Chappel, a campaign participant, put it as follows: “Razak [partner] and I went down to Michelle’s [best friend] house and spent two nights there, and we just talked about it. We resolved a whole lot of stuff. I am not afraid to talk about it, and it does not diminish me in any way. I am just sick […] When I am gone, there will not be a major outpouring of grief because so much of the work has been done. The planning of actually dying has been done.”

To learn more about Joff’s, watch the full video of his story.

Make the most of today, every day you have left. Celebrate the life you’re living. And remember, talk about the end while you still have time — make your final days as meaningful as the first. To learn more, visit Calvarycare.org.au.