I went on a date every week for a year and learnt rejection has upsides

Dave’s advice is to take time getting to know someone before you meet in person. “We noticed people chatting to each other online for much longer than usual during lockdown, and they’re having conversations with multiple people at once,” he says.

“This is a healthy shift in online dating because it puts the focus on who people are and away from physical appearance. I also think you’re more likely to have a successful first date if you know a bit about the person first. It removes the awkwardness of not having anything to talk about.”

Small steps

Dr Martin Graff, from the School of Psychology at the University of South Wales in Cardiff, has studied how COVID-19 has changed the way we date. He says that when lockdowns were lifted in Britain, “we saw clear evidence that the stress of COVID had made people more socially nervous and they weren’t going out as much as they might have before”.

He added, “We’ve been out of lockdown for months and our bars and nightclubs are still half-empty.”

Long periods of isolation make us socially phobic and it’s clear that women, in particular, have become more cautious at dating. “My advice would be to recognise that how you’re feeling is normal. It’s a hard trade-off to think about: you’re lonely and you want to meet someone, and you’re also scared of going out and contracting a virus.

“I’d suggest approaching in-person dating gradually. Set yourself small goals, try to connect with someone, chat on the phone or Zoom, and eventually arrange to meet. Keep moving forward one step at a time until you get where you want to be.”

“I know that’s going to be difficult after what we’ve just been through, but I still think you’ve got to make an effort. Book a restaurant and put on a nice outfit, and some make-up if you’re a woman. Dates are supposed to be special.”

Plan ahead

Trudy Gilbert is director of Elite Introductions and one of Australia’s best-known matchmakers. She connects her clients, listens to their feedback after they’ve met, and supports them through the early stages of dating. I ask Trudy how to plan a first date. Is it okay to just meet for coffee or a walk?

“I wouldn’t,” she says. “I coach people to put their best foot forward. You want to feel like you’re at your peak, physically and emotionally. I know that’s going to be difficult after what we’ve just been through, but I still think you’ve got to make an effort. Book a restaurant and put on a nice outfit, and some make-up if you’re a woman. Dates are supposed to be special.”

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What mistakes does Gilbert see people making, especially after the long lockdown? “The big one is to interrogate their date,” she says. “You can’t turn up with a mission to work out if someone is long-term partner material. I tell people to ease off the pressure. Don’t look for an outcome; it’s okay if you just make a friend.

“Another mistake is to write people off too quickly,” she says. “If you judge someone straight away, then you’ll miss their good qualities.

“Just relax. The first date should be about forming a connection and having fun. You want the other person to walk away saying, ‘Wow, I had a great time and I can’t wait to see them again.’

“When it goes well and you start seeing someone, then don’t rush it. Remember that relationships are a slow game. I know this is hard, especially after being alone for a while and with Christmas coming up, but you have to chill. If you push too hard, or panic when they don’t call you back straight away, then the person will smell desperation and it’ll fall over. Let them breathe and enjoy getting to know the person over time.”

“When it goes well and you start seeing someone, then don’t rush it. Remember that relationships are a slow game. I know this is hard, especially after being alone for a while and with Christmas coming up, but you have to chill.”

It’s not you …

Martin Graff says an increasing number of people on the dating apps aren’t there to find a partner. “More and more people are using Tinder and some of the other apps for validation,” he says. “They’re not necessarily following through to meet in person. This is something that happens when people get nervous, and COVID has been a scary time. It feels good when someone swipes right on you or ‘likes’ your profile pictures. You think, ‘I’m all right.’ ”

This insight surprised me at first. Of my 138 first dates, I estimate 40 per cent didn’t contact me again after meeting in person, and many more dropped off our online chats. This practice, known as “ghosting”, hurt: when someone disappeared, I assumed it was because they didn’t like me.

This is not the case, says Graff. “People crave validation, especially in times like these when they’re feeling uncertain. Not everyone is serious about looking for a partner.”

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My first rejection was one of the hardest. The second stung slightly less and the third less still. By rejection 30 or 40, I barely noticed. Two observations helped. First, I started to think of myself as a product with a unique set of features. When a date disappeared, I chose to believe that it was because we weren’t a match, not because there was something wrong with me.

Second, it helps to have options. Over time, I developed a pipeline of match candidates with dates scheduled for every week. When I didn’t hear back from one date, I had another to look forward to. Dave Heysen says that during lockdown at RSVP they noticed an increase in people having multiple conversations on the site. This is a positive approach.

Dating is a numbers game. If you’re single and hoping to meet that ideal person, then the best advice I can give you is to stick at it. It’s natural to feel nervous about getting out there again. But when you do, try to relax and have fun and don’t take the rejection personally. The vast majority of the 138 men I met were nice people who were genuine about their search for a relationship. I believe there’s a match out there for everyone. Sometimes it takes filtering through a lot of candidates to find them.

I finally found my forever person on date 138. We’d met for dinner (not coffee) at The Winery in Surry Hills in Sydney. With so many failed first dates behind me, I’d become relaxed about the outcome. I didn’t expect to find a husband, I was there to have fun. After a light but meaningful conversation, we went dancing at a club across the road. Almost seven years later, I’m happy to report that we have two gorgeous children together. All the effort and time and emotional energy I put into dating is the best investment I ever made.

138 Dates (Allen & Unwin) by Rebekah Campbell is out now.

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