I have a chronic illness. Michael J. Fox brought me back to my future

Earlier this week, I sat down with my doctor. I have an autoimmune disorder that is flaring up again, despite a regime of strong medications. The specialist talked me through my test results, and we made a plan about what to try next. She reassured me that I am doing everything I can: I eat healthily, I exercise, I take my meds, I rarely drink alcohol, I get lots of rest.

But there is still a voice in my head that tells me I’m not doing enough. There is still a part of me that feels responsible for my condition. I have bought into the narrative of personal responsibility. If only I tried the right tactic – if I meditated more, or thought more positively, or ate nothing but vegetables, or ate nothing but meat, or went on a detox diet, or did intermittent fasting, or had energy healing, or did visualisations, or took that expensive supplement that everyone on Instagram is raving about – then I would be free of disease.

And why wouldn’t I believe that? In our culture, illness is a foe, to be quashed with courage and
determination and heroism. If a person fights hard enough, and throws all their energies into the
battle, then they can beat the thing!

I believed this. I did. I complied with my medication regime and tried pretty much every diet/supplement/thought under the sun and fully expected to be cured. When the pain persisted,
and even worsened, I felt bewildered and ashamed.

“What am I doing wrong?”, I asked my specialist. “What else can I do?”

Loading

“Nothing,” she said gently. “You’re doing everything you can. This is just the course of the disease.”

And then … a gift. Not a cure, not a magic potion, but a shot of reassurance and validation. And it came in the form of a documentary – Still – about my childhood crush, Michael J. Fox, who is living with advanced Parkinson’s disease.

Fox is living proof that we cannot beat a serious illness with the power of our mind. He is about as
positive as a human being can be, brimming with optimism even in the face of a devastating condition. “With gratitude, optimism is sustainable”, he says, shaking with Parkinson’s tremors, and it is clear he means it.