How to talk to children about the Hamas-Israel conflict

It’s important to encourage children to talk, but Davis-McCabe cautions against forcing them to. “Keep checking in and let them know that talking about their thoughts and feelings is a good thing,” she says. “Younger kids can take time to express their feelings and do it through play, so get down on the floor, play with Lego, draw, and allow them to talk about things in their own time.”

Try to limit the flood of news

While parents of younger children still have control over their devices, those with older kids may find this advice more difficult to enact. Even so, it’s vital that parents keep an eye out on the type of content their children are consuming, and to intervene quickly if they are showing signs of being severely affected by it – such as having difficult sleeping or being more clingy in younger kids, and changes in sleep, appetite or mood in older children – both experts say.

Another issue parents have to increasingly contend with is the rise of fake news and misinformation. With deep fakes and unfiltered, unaffiliated content becoming increasingly common, Davis-McCabe suggests encouraging children, no matter what age, to discuss with parents what they’ve seen and heard, and work through it together.

“Say things like, ‘not everything out there is real information, let’s do some research’,” she says. It can also be helpful to explain that it’s not possible to access all the information about the conflict right now, and note that we do not have all the facts.

Keep conversations calm and age-appropriate

It’s important to use the right language to talk to children about what they’re feeling and seeing, while keeping it age-appropriate. Beyond monitoring what your child is seeing, Higgins suggests referring to concepts and words that have already been introduced.

“For young children, say under age 10 to 12, you can refer to times they have felt sad or upset before, such as being lost in a shopping centre, and ask if they are feeling similarly,” he says.

Older children, especially in their late teens, can usually handle more complex concepts such as distress, helplessness and anger, but it’s still vital that parents reassure them that what they’re feeling is valid, adds Davis-McCabe.

“My 11-year-old son has started asking me about what he’s seen on TV, and I had to take a step back and just explain, in simple terms, what is happening,” she says. “Sometimes bad things happen and we can’t always understand why, and we have to consider how we interpret them and what we pass onto our children. I wanted him to know that having anxiety during this time is normal and that it will pass.”

Spread compassion, not stigma, and focus on the people helping

As visions of horrific crimes fill our television and mobile screens, it can be tempting to give in to judgement and blame. But Higgins says this is the time to focus on the positives instead, especially in front of children.

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“When watching footage, focus attention on the medical helpers, on firefighters putting out the flames,” he suggests. “Talking about helpers assuages helplessness, and can also broaden the conversation into other areas about what it means to be good.” If possible, parents can suggest practical ways children can help, such as sending money to victims.

Conversations can become more complicated if parents have a personal connection to the conflict. If this is the case, Davis-McCabe says now is not the time to air grievances in front of children.

“Even though we may have people directly involved and affected by the war, it doesn’t mean this is the time for spreading hate or building up dissension,” she says. “As Australia is a multicultural society, this will affect so many people here. Spreading compassion and focusing on the victims and how we can help them is a more productive strategy”.

Close conversations with care and continue to check-in

Once you’ve finished a conversation about the war, it’s important to come back to it another time and keep checking in, Higgins says.

“Parents are busy, there are always things to be done, but it’s important to make sure your child has had all of their questions answered,” he says.

“The period after a heavy conversation is also a time of reflection and, particularly in a world where new information is constantly available, it’s good to check whether your child or children have seen anything else that may be making them worried.”

And remember to take care of yourself

Parents can’t be of much help to children when anxious and suffering themselves, so parents need to also prioritise their own self-care during such a tumultuous time.

″Seeing things on TV can trigger anxiety and stress for us, and especially so in adults who have family in the war or cultural experience in this area,” Davis-McCabe says.

This is the time to reach out to friends or others in the community for help, as well to professional services, such as psychologists and therapists.

Paying attention to the source of your distress as a parent is also important. “Sometimes our own level of distress is in response to the distress we are seeing in our kids,” Higgins says.