How to talk about financial stress without harming your relationships

For instance, if one person constantly has a personal electric heater running in their room, should they contribute more to the electricity bill? Or what if some housemates want the premium dishwashing liquid, while others are fine with a cheaper version?

James says it’s important to have a dedicated meeting time, so everyone has a safe space where they can say what’s on their mind without anything being taken as a personal attack.

It’s so you have permission to start that conversation, agrees Kate McCallum, director and advisor for Multiforte Financial Services.

Relationships and money: It’s about equity, not equality

When it comes to sharing money in a relationship, couples need to consider whether expenses will be split equally or equitably, which means they are scaled according to someone’s income or employment status.

According to McCallum, an equal split does not always mean a fair one. If one partner earns significantly more than the other, an equitable partnership will mean they contribute more to the household expenses. Splitting costs equitably also allows unpaid household labour and childcare to be acknowledged as work.

Clothier agrees that paid labour should be valued in the same way as unpaid labour. “Money is one of our resources, it’s an important one that facilitates a lot of things, but so is energy and time.”

A fair partnership may also see the higher earner or breadwinner contribute to their partner’s superannuation fund.

“That’s a really nice approach because it really recognises that they are making a contribution – maybe one that’s not directly monetary – to the household because those jobs would have to be paid for some other way,” says Clothier.

McCallum encourages couples to frame their conversations about money around values, and encourages those she works with to take psychologist Shalom Schwartz’s “10 Basic Human Values” test. In her own marriage, McCallum says this approach has shifted the way she and her partner look at each other’s spending. Understanding how your partner’s values intersect – and diverge – from your own can help you come up with creative solutions to money dilemmas that address what’s important to you both.

How to explain to kids that times are tough – without causing stress

“Children pick up negativity and vibes, so there’s no point hiding financial pressures from them,” says Stoykov.

McCallum suggests framing conversations around what you can afford, rather than what you can’t. If your kids want to go ice skating, for example, explain that you can budget for that, but it means they won’t be able to go to the movies that month.

“It’s about helping engage them in the discussion and helping them understand the tradeoffs,” she explains.

“It’s really important for kids to feel like they still have some sense of control,” agrees Stoykov. This approach also empowers children to feel like they can make good decisions and are actively involved in helping the household.

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Children and teenagers can be particularly susceptible to comparing themselves to their peers in terms of material worth. But Clothier says that these situations can be a good opportunity to talk about internal and external worth. “I’m not a big fan of telling children ‘no’. We should instead be showing them how things can be possible with a little bit of resourcefulness.”

It’s about explaining to your child that they might be able to have the latest sneakers, for example, but it might take time, or it could involve working extra hours or selling something.

If they’re old enough, Stoykov says a part-time job can be a great lesson in independence.

“It makes them more self-sufficient and able to take care of themselves better, which is your job as a parent, to make them independent.”

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