‘He told me he was seeing a guy’: The ex-spouses who stayed best friends

We spend Christmases and celebrate birthdays together. When my dad died suddenly in 2016, I got on a plane to Hobart and Anthony was there the next day. That’s family. He’s still my emergency contact. If something goes down, I’m calling him. I feel as if I’m seeing the benefit of putting in all that hard work. And Grace is flourishing.

Anthony and I can still talk about our life together, which is lovely because you often lose your best friend in a break-up. Like, “Do you remember that time in Moscow when we sat in Red Square and watched Joe Cocker?” We can still share those memories.

Anthony: Jane and I were best friends from the time we met: we did everything together. Our friends would have said we were the perfect couple right up until the day we separated. What’s going on inside a marriage isn’t always the same as what people perceive.

We were happy together until Moscow. Then the marriage started to hit a harder time. Jane was keen to get back to Australia and that house with the picket fence, the cars, the jobs. I wanted to stay in Europe. Things started to break down. We came back, found the house, the jobs and the cars we wanted, but we weren’t happy.

I have a lot of ups and downs and the ups are great, but the downs not so much. We had a big fight and didn’t resolve it. Jane’s a very matter-of-fact person. She said, “I’m going to stay at Mum and Dad’s.” And I said, “If you go, don’t bother coming back.” That was the end of our 9½-year marriage.

“If I’d experimented earlier with guys, my whole life might have gone in a different direction. I’m glad I didn’t.”

Anthony McDonough

I had a few gay friends. I thought, Jane’s the perfect wife. If it couldn’t work with her, maybe I should try guys. I got teased at school for being gay and I wasn’t. But because I was teased, I think it was something I hid from myself. I started to think I might be bisexual. I thought, I’ll go out with my male friends and see what happens.

If I’d experimented earlier with guys, my whole life might have gone in a different direction. I’m glad I didn’t. I’m happy with the way my life has played out because I got to have an amazing relationship with Jane. I loved her, I wasn’t pretending, and we were happy for a very long time. I also believe that not every relationship is forever.

We didn’t have any of the answers when we broke up: we just had to work it out as we went. When it came to parenting Grace, we made a pact that we’d always support each other: “If Mum said that you’re doing this, that’s the way it’s going to be. Dad’s not going to give you a different answer.”

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In a crisis, Jane’s the first person we call: she has a key to the house. Grace has gone to uni, but we are the same. Jane had a bad day this week. She came over and we had drinks and dinner. Right now, she’s off shopping for a dress with my sister to wear to our nephew’s wedding. If I have a fight with Chris, I talk to her about what’s going on; there’s no judgment. Jane and Chris have their own relationship as well, which is amazing.

I’m the luckiest person in the world to have had these two relationships: to live as a completely straight man and then as a completely gay man. They both have amazing benefits. I feel proud of us as a group – and of Grace, for the beautiful girl she’s become.

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