Glow or no?: A divorced male mate wants a secret spray-tan from me

A recently divorced friend, who’s keen to hit the dating scene with a nice glow, has asked if I would give him a spray-tan (I spray-tan myself at home). I’m not sure how to respond and my husband would be horrified if he knew. Help!
G.W., Moonee Valley, Vic

A: A recently divorced male friend? A spray-tan at home? Your husband can’t know? Thank you! You’ve inspired me to write a new work of erotic fiction called 50 Shades of Sun-Kissed Bronze (with Natural Olive Undertones). So far, the storyline goes something like this: you agree to give your friend a spray-tan, he comes around to your place and you’ve made sure it’s when your husband is out playing golf because that’s the kind of house-leaving activity that cuckolded, erotic-fiction husbands do.

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You take your friend to your dedicated spray-tanning booth, which is just big enough for two and plays sexy music, even though it doesn’t seem to have any speakers. He starts taking off his clothes. You say, “Just down to the underpants is fine” and he pulls his underpants back up. You begin spraying his body. He says, “Make sure you do everywhere,” you say, “Did you just wink?” and he says, “No, umm, I have spray in my eye.”

Your husband walks in wearing his favourite golf T-shirt that says “Golf Takes Balls”. You scream, “What are you doing home so early?” and he screams, “What are you doing with our recently divorced friend?”

There’s yelling, crying, possibly a threesome developing – I haven’t plotted out the details – but basically, that’s the kind of scenario that may or may not happen if you agree to give this friend a spray-tan. And if this doesn’t appeal to you, tell him your spray-tanner has a clogged nozzle and suggest a local Moonee Valley salon. Shame. Not quite as erotic.

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