How do you draw boundaries with tricky family members?

The greatest hits of family lows also include: passive-aggressive comments, and when grown-up kids and their parents perceive each other as demanding too much from each other – like, for instance, parents asking for “too much” help with the grandkids, or grandparents demanding they see grandkids all the time.

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Then there’s the wince-inducing situation when one family member treats another like their personal ATM.

“I mean, often what we do is we try and change the behaviour of someone else, [and think] ‘I want them to stop asking for money because if they stopped asking for money we wouldn’t be so uncomfortable’,” says Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, naming one of the biggest problems people have, when it comes to setting boundaries with family members. “But the thing we have control over is our own response. That’s the only thing we can control.”

Another mistake many of us make is sucking up our resentment, and remaining silent.

“People get scared of opening this kind of door because I think they really fear they might unleash an avalanche of trouble,” says Shaw.

But ignoring the problem often makes things worse, even leading to estrangement.

“Because that’s often the only way to actually put those barriers in place, is to just walk away, and go, ‘I just have to do that and feel OK about it’,” says Caroline Hunt, president of the Australian Clinical Psychology Association. She has seen this in cases where a child has always been expected to provide support for their parent.

“There’s a lack of boundaries there, in terms of, ‘I’m the parent, you’re the child’,” says Hunt.

It’s not uncommon that once the child becomes an adult, they try to establish a boundary, and limit how much support they give, only to be guilt-tripped.

“If they try to break away, they’re told, ‘How can you do this to me? Your parent, who’s looked after you all these years, blah, blah, blah’,” says Hunt.

So how can we draw boundaries with a tricky family member?

Spend a few minutes standing in their shoes, says Shaw. “Say, ‘What are the good reasons that this person might be doing this?’ You may not agree with them, but for example, is it possible the person fears being left out? Or doesn’t have a life of their own, and maybe doesn’t have any boundaries?”

Then, if you decide you want to maintain a relationship with this person, explain, calmly, what is not working for you, what the consequences of their behaviour are, and suggest an alternative arrangement.

“It’s not about telling everybody exactly what you think, because of course, we’d all be offending everybody if we all did that,” says Hunt, adding that you want to think carefully about how to get your message across without disrespecting or hurting the other person.

Often, a straightforward question can be remarkably effective, says Shaw.

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“Say you’ve got an in-law who makes really snarky comments. It would be saying to them, ‘Look, our relationship is important… but I sometimes find your comments hurtful. I wonder what is behind them?’” she says.

“At the very least, even if they deny it, or deflect, or say you’re too sensitive, you’ve put them on notice that there’s an issue. That’s the best chance of getting them to be more sensitive,” she says, adding that we shouldn’t assume that the person’s initial response is the final say on the matter.

“If someone is shamed or feels put out, they might need some time to get over that or lick their wounds.”

If you’re having to put a family member on notice that it makes you uncomfortable to be continually asked for money, but that you’d like to still hang out and remain close, you can say you don’t want money to be “part of the equation”, but offer to help them with their CV, or introducing them to people who might potentially hire them, says Shaw.

“So instead of letting yourself be cast out, you move into the helpful [territory],” she says. “You just have to be careful you’re not moving into being controlling.”

It’s all about making that first step.

“Often people say, ‘Well, if I stood up for myself, their feelings may be hurt, or they may not speak to me again,’” says Shaw. “But you don’t get everything you want. You get to set the boundaries and set them in a way that [has the best chance of] preserving the relationship.”

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