Stop of the bops: How do I tell folks at my jazz club to be quiet?

I regularly attend a jazz club. Most people come along to enjoy the live music, but there are always people up the back who chat. How can I ask them to be quiet with tact and diplomacy?
R.H., Newcastle, NSW

A: As a regular jazz club attendee, you’ll know there are many different types of jazz, from the brutally experimental free-form stuff that shreds your cochleal hair cells like an aural grain thresher to the flaccidly benign Kenny G-style crud that dentists play to keep their patients docile while drilling out root canals.

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Different types of jazz require a different response to club chatterers. If the jazz is super technical and hyper-polyrhythmic, you could stroll up to them, tip your beatnik beret and politely say, “Hey, hepcats, could you please muzzle your gum-bumpin’ so us righteous alligators can jive to these augmented-major-7th-flat-13th chords and tap our tootsies to the 188/5 time signature?” They’ll shut up out of sheer confusion.

If the jazz is 1930s-era standards from the Great American Songbook, then try the Songbook Sob Story Strategy. Pull a sad face, lean in close and whisper, “Sorry for interrupting, but today is the 10th anniversary of my grandpa’s death. These were his favourite songs and I just want to grieve and reminisce without any distractions. Miss ya, Gramps! The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away … ”

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And if the jazz is trite, lite, white, ambient muzak, then go easy on the chatting people: clearly, they’ve forgotten they’re in a jazz club and think they’re in a supermarket or maybe a hotel elevator. Give them a gentle reminder by yelling out: “Jazz club!” They’ll instantly snap out of it, look embarrassed and say, “Oh, sorry! Thanks for reminding us. Thought we were in a cafe bookstore in the ’90s. Jazz club! Of course!”

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