‘Valorant’ offers a glimpse into hell with April Fool’s “patch notes”

It’s April Fool’s day today (April 1), and Riot Games has marked the occasion with a fake set of “patch notes” for its PC shooter Valorant.

In the “patch notes”, Riot Games outlines a Valorant update that would transform the shooter into a hellscape for many of its fans.

The fictional update would see Gekko’s “bestie” Wingman gain the ability to pick up and wield guns, while Breeze would become Valorant‘s only playable map.

According to the patch, shots fired from each spawn will now shoot directly into the enemy spawn because “map control is mid anyway,” and a “Suss Teammate Mode” would drop players into a version of solo queue with their scoreboard and communications disabled.

The fictional Valorant would also bring some good news for Brimstone fans, as the agent’s beard would give a rapid-fire bonus to any agents within his vicinity.

Luckily, the update isn’t real — though in the real world, Valorant has had a very busy few weeks.

Episode 6 Act 2 of Valorant kicked off in early March and introduced a new agent called Gekko. Gekko’s abilities involve using a number of “calamitous creatures” to help him take down rival agents and remotely plant or defuse Spike bombs.

Episode 6 Act 2 also expanded on 2020’s Oni cosmetic line with a number of new skins.

Shortly after Gekko’s launch, (G)I-DLE‘s Minnie and Don Diablo released ‘Making Waves’, the theme song for Valorant‘s Champions Tour Pacific 2023.

“I really had so much fun working on ‘Making Waves’, and hope you guys like it,” said Minnie, with Don Diablo describing it as a “celebration” of the VCT Pacific.

In other gaming news, Blizzard Entertainment has shared some gory statistics it gathered during last month’s betas for Diablo 4.