The Robert Jenrick guide to interior design

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Just when you think you couldn’t love this government any more, it does something so exceptional that you are forced to re-examine your instincts. Not only is Rishi Sunak’s administration going to stop the boats, halve inflation and make Britain a world leader in regulating artificial intelligence, it turns out to have a real eye for interior design.

Earlier this month it emerged that the immigration minister, Robert Jenrick, had taken a few moments from his hectic schedule stopping the small boats to offer a few design tips to the manager of a reception centre for unaccompanied child migrants. Horrified to see a Mickey Mouse mural in the foyer, he ordered it painted over. A lesser man might have ignored it, but Jenrick does detail.

His intervention might have been interpreted as an act of cruelty, insisting on removing any decor that suggested a degree of compassion or warmth. But this is to misunderstand the man. For Jenrick has since explained that such thoughts never entered his head. It was not the friendliness of the mural that rankled. The problem, he explained to BBC radio, is that it was not “age-appropriate” since most of the detainees were older children.

Britain was being shamed by an age-inappropriate mural. Our visitors might think less of us

Some might be sceptical of his explanation or see it as ludicrous micromanagement, the kind of displacement activity to which one is drawn when bigger policies are failing. But no, this is the attention to detail that is surely the foundation for success. Britain was, frankly, being shamed by an age-inappropriate mural. Our visitors might think less of us. Had the centre had images of the Marvel Avengers, Taylor Swift or Kevin De Bruyne, Jenrick would undoubtedly have let it go — as long as it was rendered to a satisfactory level of competence.

And let’s not forget Jenrick has form as a style-setter. In 2019, he granted planning permission for a wonderfully designed housing development after Richard Desmond told him all about it at a Tory fundraising dinner. There had been difficulties with the local council, but a few words with Desmond over a beef Wellington or similar were enough to convince him of the plan’s appropriateness and higher aesthetics. Vorsprung durch Technik, as they say in the Carlton Club.

Not all ministers have these sensibilities, which is a pity because there are several hospitals that could do with some style tips. Nonetheless, it is refreshing and reassuring to know that, even in these most difficult of economic times we have someone in government with an eye for design. In fact, perhaps Jenrick can finally be promoted to full cabinet in the imminent reshuffle with a remit to declutter the insides of government property. A genuine minister for the interior, if you will.

Actually, Robert Jenrick Interiors has a ring to it and is perhaps a possibility after he leaves government. It already sounds like a shop that would not be out of place on the King’s Road. None of your Lulu Lytle gold wallpaper and rattan armchairs, either. The Jenrick Interiors look would be minimalistic and austere.

From there it is surely but a short leap to one of those property-porn TV shows that festoon Channel 4, where his personable manner would sugar-coat the sometimes difficult messages. Robert Jenrick’s Age-Appropriate Apartments could be a huge hit. Each week he brings his expert eye to your tired old flat. Say goodbye to pastel shades and hello to the cruel beauty of Jenrick’s interiors. How we will learn to love his catchphrase “just paint it grey”. None of your poncey Farrow & Ball Purbeck Stone or Down Pipe grey, mind. This will be municipal grey. 

There may even be a revenue stream here for the state. Struggling to find the right colour for the living room? Why call in expensive designers when, for a small fee, you can get a government minister in to advise you. The answer’s grey, or maybe beige. And it doesn’t have to be a site visit. For a small subscription, you could gain access to the ministry’s style guides. Suitable rugs, appropriate wisteria. Window boxes for a functional home. It’s all there. A grateful nation is waiting for the state to step in and solve the home-furnishing crisis. Just call the Ministry of the Interior and ask for Robert.

Follow Robert on Twitter @robertshrimsley and email him at [email protected]

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