The long-weekend lifestyle: is it ‘pointless’ to work on Fridays?

Name: The long-weekend lifestyle.

Age: 144 years, or brand new if you’re Simon Cowell.

Appearance: Simon Cowell, just having a lovely time of it.

Why are you going on about Simon Cowell so much? Didn’t you hear? He’s just invented the long weekend.

But there have already been four-day week trials in the UK, Iceland, New Zealand, Japan … OK, fine, Simon Cowell is just the latest high-profile adopter of the four-day week. There, you’ve ruined it. Happy now?

Yes, thank you. Anyway, Cowell recently announced that he never works Fridays any more, because Fridays are “pointless”.

Are they? Doesn’t he have the big weekend X Factor live shows to prepare for on Fridays? No, that was a few years ago when The X Factor was actually on TV. He presumably has less to do now, so Fridays have become pointless.

Look at him, working on his work/life balance. Seriously, Cowell has a whole plan worked out: “Eat dinner at five o’clock. Don’t take calls after 5:30. Don’t read emails after 5:30. Watch a happy movie. And stay outside. I’m not kidding about the Fridays. I don’t think anyone should be working five days a week.”

Am … am I jealous of Simon Cowell? Have you been working until 11pm on Sundays again?

Yes. And how was it?

Crap. See? Cowell is your new spiritual guru. He is, in many ways, the natural successor to Benjamin Franklin, Karl Marx and George Bernard Shaw, who all previously advocated for shorter working weeks in one way or another.

Wow, who knew? Isn’t it amazing? All you need to do to achieve this clarity of mind is to become an all-powerful media demagogue for a couple of decades, earning so much money in the process that you never really have to work again.

Great, I’ll just do that, then. Give it a go! But if you can’t work four days a week, then you should still try his other suggestions. Early dinners are linked to better sleep, better digestion and lower blood pressure. Spending time in nature has been found to help with anxiety and depression. Setting firm boundaries about the length of your work day can drastically improve your work satisfaction.

And watching a happy film? Of course, you miserable git. Happy films are good.

Good lord, Simon Cowell really has cracked it. He has, and you can hear more about his amazing new long-weekend formula on his new show Britain’s Got a Ton of Unread Emails.

Do say: “I’m taking Fridays off, they’re pointless.”

Don’t say: “But we do need you to start working Sundays.”