I thought the online rental application would be a doddle. It wasn’t

In practice, the process is intrusive, baffling and time-consuming.

For starters, the 2Apply application is divided into nine sections, or rather, chapters, of your life about which you must cough up some pretty curious facts. I’m thinking about the section marked “Pets” in particular. “Tell us some more information about your family pets,” it says in bad English and, I sense, with a sharkish smile.

As a lover of dogs, cats, birds or “others”, you’re then invited to give the name, type, breed, size and age of your hairy/scaly beloved. We dutifully key in Lucky, dog, mongrel, small, 17. Then we add pet number two to the form – Gavin, goldfish, small. Age? Rather not say.

As if this isn’t enough, we’re asked to attach a photo and write a short description of each pet. For Lucky, we settle on “sleeps a lot” to allay the owner’s fears of a compulsive skirting-board scratcher. For Gavin, it’s “swims in circles when not lying on back”.

Loading

Perhaps most galling is the obligation to provide at least two years’ employment history – when you’ve been retired for years and know full well that your former employers have either gone to God or are sunbaking on a remote island, sipping piña coladas and remembering zilch about the past – and you.

And here’s the thing. There is no “grey” in this rental software. Only green and red. You must fill in every box – encouraging the telling of porkies – so you achieve an endorphin-boosting green tick of approval. If you fail to do so, and write a note explaining that the employment section doesn’t fit your situation as a long-time retiree, you’ll be marked with the red cross of shame.

The creators of this software seem to believe that no one over 55 rents properties. Otherwise, they’d never have created such user unfriendliness or, worse, gaslighting glitches. My cousin and I thought we were going mad when we entered and saved her date of birth at least 10 times. At least 10 times the form wiped this fact from the face of the earth. “Maybe I was never born,” Jen concluded.

Loading

It took us an intense three hours to tick all the boxes and gather, photograph and upload supporting documents. (BTW did you know that your driver licence has a licence number on the front of the card AND a “card number” on the back in 6 pt?). During this awful time, when I wanted to swear and scream and punch holes in walls, I restricted myself to “FRRUIT!” should my cousin feel badly.

We emailed the thing off. Three times. It bounced back three times and crashed the computer.

The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.