What is the appropriate age to talk to kids about sex?

The pre-school years

From the time they’re toddlers, Hamilton says parents can lay good groundwork by using anatomically correct terminology. “We have to have accurate names because children need a vocabulary to be able to report if something’s wrong, if they’ve got a medical issue or if someone is harming them,” she explains. “Name body parts in a shame-free way – it’s eyes, nose, ear, foot, knee, vulva, vagina, penis, scrotum.”

The early years are also a time for talking about body safety.

“We teach them that they’re the boss of their own bodies and that their private parts are for themselves and no one has the right to touch them without their permission,” explains Samantha Read, manager of Schools and Community at Sexual Health Victoria.

“It’s common for young children to touch their body parts and if that’s happening, use age-appropriate language such as, ‘When you touch your penis or your vulva, it might feel nice – when you feel you’d like to do that, you might like to go into your bedroom because that’s something we do on our own because it’s a private body part’.”

Early school years

Questions about bodies and how they work are likely to continue into primary school, as curious young minds try to make sense of the world around them. “When questions arise, answer directly and honestly,” Read says.

“Parents can often be concerned about having the right answer, and then they might not end up saying anything at all. But that’s when children might learn through other sources of information, such as in the playground or the internet.”

Later primary years

If the conversation hasn’t already gone there, children are usually ready for more detail about anatomy and reproduction by later primary school.

When questions about sex and body parts are answered succinctly, Hamilton says your child will likely follow with a pressing question like, ‘Can I have a biscuit?’

If they giggle and say they think it’s disgusting, she suggests countering with: “The reason you think that is because it’s not for kids – it’s for adult minds and bodies only. It takes many, many years for minds and bodies to be ready for something so complex as that”.

Teenage years

By the time kids are in their mid-teens, Read says they’re looking for more factual, informative details. “Research from 6500 secondary students aged 14 to 18 found they are calling for information about how to have healthy relationships,” she says.

“They want to go beyond biology and reproduction, into topics including gender, sexual diversity, masturbation, pleasure, how to talk to sexual partners and how to talk about consent.”

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Australian research has found that almost half of girls and one third of boys aged between 16 and 17 have experienced some form of unwanted sexual behaviour towards them in the past 12 months.

“We absolutely have a responsibility to provide this information because it’s evidence-based and we know it’s protective,” Read says.

And the more available parents can be for these conversations, the better they’re likely able to counter-balance the other messages their kids are receiving.

“Mainstream pornography tells children that sex is violent, and if children’s main educator is TikTok, television and pornography, then they’re not getting helpful messages about respectful, loving, caring, joyful, pleasurable and intimate encounters,” Hamilton says.

“What’s wrong with knowing that there is this amazing way that the human species reproduces that feels good, is loving and wonderful, and is for adult bodies and minds only?”

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