Michelle Pepe tries to smell her late father’s wallet while going through his belongings one year after he died of the coronavirus, in Sharon, Mass., on Wednesday, April 14, 2021. After contracting the virus herself, Pepe lost and has not regained her sense of smell. She keeps her father’s belongings in hopes that one day it comes back and she can smell him again.
Michelle Pepe looks at the last family portrait taken with her father, Bernie Rubin, before he died of the coronavirus in April 2020,in Sharon, Mass., on Wednesday, April 14, 2021. Pepe has felt tremendous guilt and regret after unknowingly contracting and transmitting the coronavirus to her parents. Her mother survived, but her father, Bernie Rubin, died in Florida on April 13, 2020.
Michelle Pepe cries as she talks about her father, Bernie Rubin, on Monday, April 12, 2021, in Sharon, Mass. Pepe has felt tremendous guilt and regret after unknowingly contracting and transmitting the coronavirus to her parents. Her mother survived, but her father died in Florida on April 13, 2020.
A year after his death, yellow roses sit atop the gravestone of Bernie Rubin in Sharon Memorial Park cemetery in Sharon, Mass., on Tuesday, April 13, 2021. Rubin died of the coronavirus in Delray Beach, Fla., on April 13, 2020.
Tzivi Kivman and Rabbi Yossi Kivman recite the Shema, a Jewish prayer, with Michelle and Bob Pepe while visiting their home in Sharon, Mass., on Wednesday, April 14, 2021. The couple have provided spiritual guidance and counseling to Michelle Pepe, who has struggled with guilt and remorse after unknowingly contracting and transmitting the coronavirus to her parents. Her father died of the disease.
In this July 2010 photo, Michelle Pepe sits with her father, Bernie Rubin, during a baseball game at Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles. Rubin, the co-founder of a New England furniture chain and active family man, died from the coronavirus on April 13, 2020..
Michelle Pepe places a bouquet of yellow roses on her father’s grave as family and friends watch in Sharon, Mass., on Tuesday, April 13, 2021. In the year since Bernie Rubin died of COVID-19, Pepe has felt tremendous guilt and regret after unknowingly contracting and transmitting the coronavirus to her parents. Her mother survived.
Larry Rubin, left, and Marcia Tavarez, a caregiver, right, helps his mother, Phyllis Rubin, center, walk to her car after gathering with family and friends at Sharon Memorial Park cemetery for the one-year anniversary of his father’s death from the coronavirus, Tuesday, April 13, 2021, in Sharon, Mass.
Michelle Pepe uses her hand to brush hair from the face of her mother, Phyllis Rubin, while gathered with family for the one-year anniversary of the death of her father, Bernie Rubin, at Sharon Memorial Park cemetery in Sharon, Mass., on Tuesday, April 13, 2021. Pepe has felt tremendous guilt and regret after unknowingly contracting and transmitting the coronavirus to her parents.
Michelle Pepe touches the nameplate on the door of her father’s office at the headquarters of Bernie and Phyl’s Furniture company in Norton, Mass., on Tuesday, April 13, 2021. In March 2020, Pepe unknowingly spread the coronavirus to her parents. Her mother survived, but her father, Bernie Rubin, did not.
Michelle Pepe looks at a wall of photos at the headquarters of Bernie and Phyl’s Furniture company, founded by her parents, in Norton, Mass., on Tuesday, April 13, 2021. Pepe has felt tremendous guilt and regret after unknowingly contracting and transmitting the coronavirus to her parents. Her mother survived, but her father, Bernie Rubin, died in Florida on April 13, 2020.
Michelle Pepe leans on her husband, Bob, as they watch her father’s recorded memoirs on a computer at their home in Sharon, Mass., on Monday, April 12, 2021. Pepe has felt tremendous guilt and regret after unknowingly contracting and transmitting the coronavirus to her parents. Her mother survived, but her father, Bernie Rubin, died in Florida on April 13, 2020.
In March 2020, Michelle Pepe unwittingly exposed her parents to the coronavirus. Her mom survived, but her dad died. Now left surrounded by his belongings and constant reminders of the pandemic, she struggles to overcome the guilt.
SHARON, Mass. (AP) — For a year, Michelle Pepe awoke every day, recited the Kaddish, the mourner’s prayer, and kissed a photo of her father. And coped with her guilt.
“’Dad,” she says, “I’m so sorry that this happened.”
“This” was COVID-19. In March 2020, just as the pandemic bloomed in the United States, Pepe traveled from Boston to Florida for her mother’s 80th birthday. She believes she gave the coronavirus to her father; Bernie Rubin died weeks later.
“At the beginning, people would say, ‘Well, how did he get it?’ From me. That’s how he got it — he got it from me,” Pepe says, sobbing.
“Nobody’s ever said, ‘This is your fault and you gave it to him,’ but I know it’s true. I know I couldn’t save him. It’s just something I’m going to have to go to the grave with.”
Hers is a common sorrow of the times. Around the world, countless people are struggling to shake off the burden of feeling responsible for the death of a loved one due to COVID-19. They regret a trip or feel anguish over everyday decisions that may have spread the disease — commuting to work, hugging parents, even picking up food.
On the eve of the anniversary of her father’s death, Pepe’s hands tremble as she holds a framed portrait of Bernie and Phyllis Rubin, smiling and surrounded by their 10 grandchildren. Taken on March 8, 2020, it’s one of the last images of the couple with their family.
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