Lights, Camera, Inaction

Express News Service

The first time I ran away from home, I was brought back to my family, where my father would hurl abuses at me every night. “Why did you turn out like this? You should have died,” he would say. I was always made to feel abnormal because of my feminine voice and behaviour by my peers and even teachers.

Their verbal and physical abuse stung so much that I found myself worrying about them more than my own grades and eventually failed class 12. I thought that I would try to reveal my gender to one of my elder sisters – I was the fifth child, after four sisters – thinking they would understand because they are educated but alas. So, I eloped with the trans women in my district of Tiruvarur.

The second time I left home, I did so with all my certificates and the blessings of my mother. It was time to start my new life where I did not have to pretend or be targeted every day. When I reached Chennai, I began taking up sex work. I disliked it but it was a matter of survival.

Somewhere in the back of my mind there was a voice that told me that I was worth more and despite the circumstances, I deserved more. I decided to fight, come what may, and that is what led me to acting.

Entry and expectations

I became more independent and took up whatever work I could get, be it mental health counsellor or theatre artiste. It was at the latter that gave me the opportunity to audition for a short film called Manam. For once, I was happy with what I had done, paid well and felt like walking proudly. That was the day I realised that like love and pride, I also deserve a respectable living. 

But there were many challenges to face. The demand for trans actors is only now picking up slightly. Earlier, we had to wait for years to bag one role. Then, there is already so much stereotyping in the industry, even when it comes to cis women  – you need to be fair and have recommendations.

These demands are amplified with trans women. I still cannot audition for the role of a woman. There are only specific roles carved out for us, generally as sex workers or negative characters, or for a social message. There are hardly any movies that normalise the existence of transwomen in society. At least, I am yet to see such a movie.

They want us to be extremely fair and look exactly like a woman. But the trans body is unique and how can you compare it to a that of a cis woman? Ironically, there have also been auditions where I was rejected for being too much like a woman, along with being too tall, or the fact that ‘they can’t tell that I am a trans woman’.

We are also competing against cis genders in the market. Recently, there was a movie in which a cis actress was cast for the role of a trans woman. There are already only a handful of roles for us, and if you take the roles that rightfully belong to us, you may be taking away someone’s only income. 

The hope for change

While filmmakers and cinematographers may be understanding, a lot of body shaming comes from others on the set. You are feeding the insecurities of a trans woman. All trans people you see have battled a lot in their past. Be kind to them, respect their pronouns and accept them as they are. There are also issues at other locations during shoots, for instance, in my experience, hotels.

Furthermore, the industry needs to accept trans bodies. They are all unique. If you only want to portray beautiful trans bodies, you are not supporting us, you have transphobia. Already, trans people on screen are only made fun of. Imagine how many children look at these films and learn this? 

There needs to be a change in the way we are represented. Even in the name of awareness, we are misgendered, misrepresented, called slur words, dead names and the wrong pronouns. You call it awareness but strip us of any good representation. How many people will scrutinise the scene? Will some people not just absorb it on surface level? All we want is to normalise our existence in society. 

(As told to Sahana Iyer)