For hours I lay rigid, fantasising about putting my clothes back on. Then, just to get really kinky, I fantasised about other people putting their clothes back on as well. The threat of third-degree sunburn finally meant that I had no choice but to flip over, stand up and somehow get into the water. That’s when the day proved very aerobic. I got fantastically fit sprinting the 15 metres from my towel to the sea at breakneck speed, followed by the crawl back up the beach on my elbows, like a commando.
Taking in the true diversity of the human form is also therapeutic. There is no average. There is no perfection. Just people.
But as the day wore on, a lovely sense of liberation came over me. The best thing about nudist beaches is that it does away with the usual am-I-too-old-to-wear-a-bikini? trauma. (Now that’s what I call a true costume drama.) In our cossies, women are constantly comparing ourselves to a Baywatch babe or Love Island contestant.
But whereas muffin tops, thunder thighs or flat chests make beach-going a torture for mere mortals who are not “beach-body ready”, being naked makes you feel exotic, unique and beautiful in your own way.
Taking in the true diversity of the human form is also therapeutic. There is no average. There is no perfection. Just people. And the male gaze is less laser-like on a nudist beach too, as men find themselves coming under female scrutiny – and, for a change, having a lot more to hide.
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The main upside of getting older is learning to love the skin you’re in and the knowledge that it’s pointless worrying about your figure, because body fads come in one era and out the other. When I was growing up, skinniness was inniness, but now, judging by what I saw on the nudist beach, a full derrière is de rigueur.
So, if you are planning a strip off on a beach this summer, let me share my top tips. There are certain things you must never say at a nudist beach, like “I’ll have a large one.” Under no circumstances do yoga. And put sun factor 50-plus on everything. Otherwise, you’ll soon have a hotter arse than Kim Kardashian.
To read more from Sunday Life magazine, click here.
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