Kathy Lette on what women really want in a lover

There’s a lot to be said for celibacy and most of it begins with “Why me?” I suppose there are worse things … like hepatitis and death. The pandemic has created a loneliness epidemic. Many of my single girlfriends worry that, if they’re in an accident, nobody will be able to identify their bodies. They’ve become so famished for physical contact they’re tempted to give themselves a strip search.

Lockdown loneliness is forcing many of us to turn to internet dating. Even girlfriends who’ve been totally catty about mousepad pairings are now striking up online relationships. As casual consummation is currently risky, all that’s left is a long period of old-fashioned courting. It’s all
very Jane Austen-esque. But whereas women in Georgian times were on the hunt for something Tall, Dark and Bankable, what are today’s women looking for in a potential partner?

In my single days, I went on so many blind dates I could have been given a free dog. Eventually, after weeding out cross-dressers, necrophiliacs, men with secret love bunkers and exact knowledge of how and when the world is going to end, I’d meet a potential Romeo for a coffee. If his opening conversational gambit was along the lines of “Does this look infected to you?” or “I’m not just
a Scientologist, I also sell genital wart cream”, I’d excuse myself to powder my nose. In another cafe. In another city. But my chief annoyance was astrological probing. If a bloke asked if I was Aries or Capricorn, I’d reply that my sign was “Do Not Disturb.”

But that was decades ago. So what male traits currently rate high on the female irk-ometer? Would it be bores, braggarts, name-droppers or peacocks with elephantiasis of the ego? Surely top of the list would be the dreaded mansplainers? Can there be anything more off-putting in a bloke than chronic correctile dysfunction? Well, apparently, yes there can.

According to my in-depth, scientific research (over coffee with girlfriends), it’s not muscles, money, confidence, charisma, good looks or profession that tick the attractiveness box. No, what today’s woman desires is a man who’s good at oral sex – as in wordplay. Size does count, too: size of vocabulary. Today’s single female is more desirous of a partner who’s grammatically, rather than anatomically, correct.

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Basically, split an infinitive – and she’ll split. Improper ellipses? Sorry buddy, but you’ll never get to end a sentence with a proposition. As for male homophonics? There/their/they’re just doomed. Boys, if you drop your “g’s”, you won’t be dropping your trousers.

A very glamorous divorcee gal pal of mine recently found the perfect match on Hinge: successful, charming, generous, handsome. I couldn’t wait for a report on her first Zoom date.

“How was it?” I asked excitedly.