From Bondu, With Love

It’s a pity that I am viewed merely as a writer of juvenile humour when I am actually one of the country’s greatest, if woefully underrated, clairvoyants. My piece ‘Welcome, Bond Garu’ in this very space (September 1, 2018), in which I emphatically argue that the time is ripe for an Indian James Bond, is all the proof you need.

Being someone who is forever serving society at his own expense, in my piece, I even handed over a fully developed plot the makers could use completely free of cost.

Today, four full years after my prediction, Cheo Hodari Coker, creator of Marvel’s Luke Cage, said our very own Ram Charan is ideal to play the next Bond.

Dear Readers, please note: my prediction was so accurate that I referred to the superspy as ‘Bond garu’ in my piece, knowing beforehand that if Bond was going to be Indian, there was no way he could be anything but Telugu.

Take that, Hindi boys.

Well, before the Broccolis come to Hyderabad, eat Paradise Biryani and sign up my beloved Telugu brother, a few suggestions.

I know the obvious way to go would be to sign up SS Rajamouli or Prashanth Neel, our sodarudu from Karnataka, because of their recent track record. Personally, I think we need to go in a different direction. Kindly hear me out, fellow RC fans, before bringing in my mother and sisters into the argument.

I’m going with veteran director K Viswanath, the man behind Sankarabharanam and Sagara Sangamam, to helm this project. Here’s why: When we are being given this fabulous opportunity to showcase our great culture, who better to represent it than K Viswanath? Hold on, I’m not being facetious here. I have thought this through. What is Bond’s numerical identity? 007. Not 006 or 008. What is the significance of the number seven? Sa re ga ma pa da ni – the seven notes! The coming James Bond, in my opinion, has to be a musical. And a musical that showcases our classical music. Hence Shri K Viswanath garu. Now you see, don’t you?

I don’t know about you Bond fans, but I would like to see a proper Carnatic title song for Bond that makes us forget Paul McCartney, Shirley Bassey and Adele’s numbers. Something in Neelambari perhaps? To lull us into a sense of false security before the introductory action set piece.

Something tells me Chiru Sir should make a guest appearance. Total goosebumps even thinking about it. And that father and son should do that inimitable veena step just before the climactic blow-up of the villain’s den.

This is all such fun, I say. In fact, I think the Bond after this should be NTR, followed by Vijay, Yash, Allu Arjun, Surya, Prabhas, et al. Our Tamil brother Dhanush is already there and he could show the guys around, acclimatize them to Hollywood’s ways. As far as the fans are concerned, I believe in all of them getting their fair share. In fact, every time a new Bond is made, there should be an online poll where we nominate a bunch of awesome Southern stars, and the fans can choose their favourite by rotation.

I’m just thinking aloud here a bit, but how about the first of these Telugu-flavoured Bonds have Double-Oh-Sevenu bring back the Kohinoor and return it to its rightful owner, Kangana Ranaut?

Finally, my dearest Telugu sodara sodarimanis from Bapatla to Baltimore, instead of mistaking my love for the opposite and trolling me, please join me in making this dream come alive.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.