As nonagenarians, should my wife and I limit sexual activity to three times a week?

Q: Now that my wife and I have both turned 90, she has suggested I should “act my age” and modify our sexual activity to a maximum of three times per week. I’m not happy about it. Is she right?
B.T., Moss Vale, NSW

A: Readers might think this is a joke question, but I think you’re genuine: you specifically asked that your real name and address not be published “because neighbours may be jealous”, and I noticed your phone number is a landline, so you’d have to be at least over 80.

On top of that, your question supports my theory that older people make the best lovers: once you turn 50, you start treating sex like a weekend DIY home project. You always do it properly, you do it slowly, you stop every 20 minutes for a cup of tea so you can stand back and admire your work: “Yep, happy with that. Now to apply massage oil to the legs. Two coats. Work it into the grain. Gonna come up a treat.”

Following this line of reasoning, 90-year-olds would make the greatest lovers of all: you’d be gentle, attentive, creative. You just need to keep your reading glasses handy for close-up work, wear gardening knee-pads to protect the joints and install mobility grab-handles on the bedhead for moving up and down (with two smaller mobility love-handles on each side of your partner).

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But, I have to say, more than three times a week is pretty active for any age group and your wife must be exhausted: sex might be the secret to longevity, but it could also be the end of it. Be happy with three, and I’m sure every reader would join me in saying, good luck to you both and keep it up – whether it’s with pills, herbs, supplements, willpower or a dab of J-B Weld epoxy adhesive.

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